On Josh Duggar, Sexual Sin, and the Sanctity of Marriage

Anyone with an internet connection has probably heard the news that Joshua Duggar was found guilty of viewing pornography and engaging in extramarital sexual affairs. From Duggar haters to Christians who once defended Josh in spite of his actions as a teenager, the internet is abuzz with this latest gossip and many people are happily riding their high and mighty horses.  I will admit to being one of those who once stood behind Josh and attempted to defend his actions as being a teenager who screwed up but since learned his mistake and mended his ways. I promise that I will try to stay off any high horses while I write this blog post. In fact, I am stopping intermittently as I type to pray and ask for guidance in my words so that it’s not my words coming out, but words reflecting God’s heart.

Josh Duggar is a sinner. His sins, it would seem, are rooted in sexual deviancy. He looked at pornography online. I also once viewed pornography before Jesus got a firm grasp on my heart. Josh is guilty of committing adultery. I was once the “other woman” and my sole reason for engaging in those acts was to get back at the woman he was dating because she was the “other woman” while he was in a committed relationship with me. Josh sought out extramarital affairs. I, too, engaged in sexual promiscuity outside of marriage. Like Josh, I am deeply sorry for those sins in which I partook. I absolutely will not stand here and throw stones at this man for committing sins of which I am also guilty; neither will I defend his actions. He was wrong. I was wrong. There you have it.

Here’s the thing that gets me, though. The primary difference between Josh Duggar and myself is the fact that I was never a public figure and willfully drawing attention to myself and parading around pretending to be a paradigm of righteousness while living a secret double life. As Christians we are not free of sin. We still mess up and have to fall back on God’s grace daily to help us. But when we struggle – and I promise you, we all struggle – we ought not to hide it, but rather we should look it straight in the face, repent and get help. Josh is so desperately in need of that help right now, but so many people are too busy judging him to stop and offer to help. When our brother in Christ struggles, let’s try to get past the initial shock and work on building him up and freeing him from the bondage of his sin.

The last thing that I want to address is how this all affects the sanctity of marriage. Joshua Duggar hypocritically went around speaking out against homosexuals and lobbying for Washington to put an end to homosexual marriage because of the negative impact it would have on the sanctity of marriage, meanwhile he was privately violating the sanctity of his own marriage. The Christian community as a whole needs to stop sweeping the subject of sexual sin under the rug. It’s time to address the giant pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. We Christians tend to be quite fond of being vocal about how wrong homosexuality is, meanwhile we’re turning our heads to those among us who are having sex with people to whom they aren’t married, living with significant others before marriage, and divorcing and remarrying left and right. Y’all, this is absolutely an epidemic of sexual immorality we’re dealing with. We tiptoe around these people scared to death to call them on their sin because it’s not “PC” (even in the Christian world) to talk about those sins. But, hey, let’s all go throw stones at the homosexuals. Hello, brothers and sisters, it’s time to wake up! The sanctity of marriage is not in jeopardy because of the LGBT community; it’s in jeopardy because of lukewarm, apathetic Christians who no longer value fighting for biblical morality.

If you are professing to be a Christian while viewing pornography, having sex with someone to whom you are not married, partaking in sexual fantasies that are not being righteously fulfilled (a.k.a. within the boundaries of marriage), or even not “technically” engaging in sexual acts but are trying to bring sexual attention to yourself and causing others to stumble because of it, you need to repent immediately and seek out help. If we’re going to defend the sanctity of marriage we need to first stop pointing our finger at others for their sins and turn that finger right around and look at our own sins. When we get right with God, then we need to pray about finding a way to lift up our fellow brothers and sisters and help them overcome their obstacles in a spirit of love, grace and forgiveness.

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Truths About Divorce

Divorce. It’s an ugly word, isn’t it? But as nasty as it is, it’s so much more common than it should be. Per DivorceStatistics.org, every single couple that walks down the aisle has roughly a 50% chance of ending in divorce. And that’s just first time marriages; if it’s your second marriage, you have 60% to 67% chance of divorcing, and if you’re on your third marriage, that number jumps to 70% to 73%. The trend that I see there is that once you’re accustomed to bailing on your marriage, you’re more inclined to do so in the future.

I do not speak as someone who simply reads the statics and draws conclusions; I speak as someone who has been there. I am on my second marriage. (For the story of my first marriage, click here.) I know what it feels like to make a commitment that should last a lifetime, only to find myself divorced (and a single mom, to boot) a year later. You see, lots of people talk about divorce statistics and the importance of keeping families together and can quote statics all day long, but they have no idea what it’s like to actually BE that person. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to educate people about the importance of staying married! But they can never prepare you for what’s it’s really like, and the scars you will carry for the rest of your life as a result. Until you’ve been there and gone through it, you can never fully comprehend how difficult the consequences are, and how long they will stick with you.

As I was cleaning and organizing my home today, I found myself going through some old papers and trying to decide what should go in the safe. I wasn’t expecting to find the divorce decree in that stack of papers. I found myself staring at the documents with the official stamps of the court, signatures of lawyers and judges, all in legal jargon that I still don’t fully understand 10 years later. Also in the stack I found my old marriage license, the restraining order I was issued, and various other documents that came up throughout that period of time in my life. My mind began flashing back and I found myself in tears as I relived it all. Even though it’s been a decade, there’s still so much hurt. This man I was supposed to spend my life with inflicted so much pain on me, and the damage didn’t stop when I filed for divorce. It didn’t end when the divorce was finalized. It didn’t even end when he stopped harassing me and I got him out of my life for good. There are so many implications that I never was able to foresee.

I was one of the lucky ones and found love again two years later, but I still carried the baggage of my first marriage. It was so hard to open up and trust someone again after I had been betrayed. You are never warned what it’s like to try to fall in love again after you’ve been divorced. There’s a stigma out there, especially if you are a single mother. Your future in-laws may be hesitant to accept you for fear that your baggage could harm their son. You will struggle to get close to anyone because you fear getting hurt. One of the hardest consequences of divorce is on those with children who are products of the marriage that ended. I wanted so much to have a father in my child’s life, but I also wanted desperately to protect her. It’s a fine line to walk, trying to open up and love again while also protecting yourself and your child if things go badly.

Once the trust was established and our relationship grew we decided to get engaged, but with that came a new problem. What would my child call her stepfather-to-be? How would we go about explaining things to her when she was old enough to understand? He wished to adopt her, which was a beautiful blessing, but his decision was met with negativity from those wishing to protect my new husband from being used by me. He did adopt her and we ended up having the support of those around us, however the road to adoption (which we thought should be a joyful one) was filled with even more obstacles and heartaches. My ex didn’t want to relinquish custody, we had to pay lawyers to fight for us and to prove parental abandonment, our pasts were dug into and our motives were questioned. Even once the adoption finalized, we had to go through the process of getting her name legally changed and her birth certificate amended (nearly 7 years later, I am still fighting with the state of California to give me an amended birth certificate).

Even with all that, it’s still not over. I can never get rid of my memories. I can never change the fact that my eldest child is the product of a divorce. I am doing everything I can to make sure that fact doesn’t negatively impact her life or her view of herself, but the truth is that it does. I try to teach her that marriage is permanent and that when we say “I do” it should be forever, and yet I have to be honest with her and explain that I did not live up to that expectation in my past. She will at some point, I am sure, wonder about her real father and perhaps even consider meeting him. One day I will have to cope with that (though I thank God that day is not today). You see, it will never truly be over for us, and it’s never over for anyone who has been through a divorce.

When the Lord created marriage, He knew how beautiful it could be. He also knows how devastating it can be when the marriage promises are broken, and I believe that is why He wishes marriage to be forever. My advise to everyone is this:

Please, do not walk down that aisle unless you are absolutely sure. Make sure you truly know the person and that he or she is really is the one you wish to spend the rest of your life with. And once you are married, make sure it’s for good. For your sake, your spouse’s sake, and most importantly, the sake of any future children, do not take marriage lightly. You will never fully understand the consequences of divorce until you get there – but let me assure you, it’s rarely worth it. When you make the choice to wed, make it for life.

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Gay Marriage: What’s All the Fuss About, Anyway?

Disclaimer: I would like to preface this post by stating that I am not a “bigot,” I do not “hate” gays, and I am not “homophobic.” I believe without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus teaches us to love others; but I also believe that He encourages us to speak out against sin. Love the sinner, hate the sin. It is the physical act of homosexuality which I am referring to in this post. Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s get on with it.

One question that liberals are fond of asking Christians is this:

“Why do you object to gay marriage when it doesn’t have anything to do with you, and won’t have any impact on your life?”

To these short-sighted liberals, it’s as simple as this:

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If it were that simple, then I can honestly say that my objections would end right there. I realize that I cannot force my Christian beliefs onto others (even those who call themselves “Christians”). I cannot make others see something as sinful when they believe it is not. If it were simply a matter of live and let live, then I would not be sitting here typing out this blog post right now.

The problem is that it is NOT that simple. Proponents of gay “marriage” are not content with “equal rights” and nothing more. There is an agenda there, even if you refuse to see it. They don’t simply want the right to have their unions recognized under the law. They want religious institutions (often times, institutions with which they do not normally identify themselves) to be forced to marry them. They want children to be taught about their unnatural lifestyles from an extremely young age. They champion for schools to make terms such as “mommy and daddy” politically incorrect. They want the courts to go after anyone who holds an opposing view. In short, they want to force their beliefs onto us, and force us into silence if we have even the most remote objection. They want to destroy the institution of marriage as we know it, as well as destroy anyone who supports the true institution of marriage.

Don’t believe me? Look at Canada. Look at Australia. These countries allow homosexual unions, but the homosexuals are not happy. They are doing all of the things I listed above, including indoctrination within schools and attempting to legally redefine marriage. There are also long-term implications that people are refusing to see, and that is the lasting effects this leaves on our children. I believe Life Site News states it best in this article:

“The greatest tragedy resulting from the legalization of homosexual marriage would not be its effect on adults, but its effect on children. For the first time in history, society would be placing its highest stamp of official government approval on the deliberate creation of permanently motherless or fatherless households for children.

The article goes on to list study-proven statistics regarding children raised in motherless and fatherless homes. Substitutions to traditional marriage are proven to have permanent effects on society. Children raised in motherless and fatherless homes (and yes, this includes homosexual relationships in addition to divorced heterosexuals) are proven to have higher rates of premarital sex, premarital childbearing, drug use, behavioral problems, school failure and even expulsion, and much more. When we undermine the traditional family – the very foundation of our country – we do damage which goes much, much deeper than we may first see. Future generations will see the impact, and it will be great indeed.

The lesson to be gleaned here is this: if we value the future of our children, we simply cannot stand aside and allow our nation to continue its current downward spiral of morality. History has shown us what happens to once-great nations that turn their backs on God, and America will be no exception.